The Angst of Love

The angst of love: a fire not satisfied
A fire that answers questions with wonder
One that responds to unknown with thunder
That haunting apathy that comes with time
The time that heals all wounds now causing mine
The angst of love: a fire not satisfied

Account does carry weight that font alone
Leaves black and white upon the hollow page
Of understanding, middle grey untouched
Emotion that relationship has sown
The angst of love conforms to mellow rage
'Til death? To life? Or 'til my heart awakes

I want to be one of them

I thought these excerpts from Sara Groves' song "When the Saints" are pretty much incredible.


When I'm weary and overrun with so many battles left unfought,


I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard
I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharaoh's court
I hear his call for freedom for the people of the Lord

I see the long quiet walk along the underground railroad
I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary and the angry spear
I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights
I see the sister standing by the dying man's side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor
I see the man with a passion come kicking down that door

I see the Man of Sorrow and his long troubled road
I see the world on His shoulders and my easy load


When the Saints go marching in, I want to be one of them

Life

It is easier to die for a cause than to live for one; with death comes validation and recognition, with life comes obscurity and anonymity. However, with life also comes a greater honor than that which death could ever bring.

People are People

You know something that's crazy to me? The fact that I am not the center of the universe. Yes, this is absolutely absurd.

The world makes so much sense to me when I'm the center of it though. Donald Miller made a great comparison of life being like a movie. When I am standing in a room, my eyes are the cameras, my ears the microphones, and everyone around me are actors. When I walk out of the room, the action happening shifts from inside the room to wherever I happen to be walking. That would make sense right? It's my movie, my cameras are capturing a new scene with new actors; the actors in the previous room are now unimportant and I'm the star. Everything changes when I want it to, and only people that I want to be in my movie are in it.

No, this is ridiculous. That's obviously not how it works, but it's funny how little we really think about other people.

Just driving to school, I probably pass a hundred or so cars on the opposite side of the road. Every single one of those cars has at least one person in it, and each individual person has an entire life completely separate from mine. A single person in a single other car has a whole set of friends, problems, sorrows, jokes, responsibilities, and privileges that I am completely unaware of, and I pass by this car in less than a second. To this person, their life is the movie... their friends are the actors, their eyes the cameras and their ears the microphones. And I... I hardly even made the cut to be an extra in their movie; they probably didn't even notice me through my windshield. And this is only one person in one car out of the countless hundreds of thousands of cars on the road.

What inspired this post was actually my boredom; in my boredom I clicked the "next blog" button at the top of the page. I was directed to the blog of a mother whose husband was having knee surgery, child was having bronchitis, and dog had just become paralyzed. She detailed these events and talked about the emotional pain she went through during these events.

I wouldn't have even known this woman existed had I not clicked the next button on this website. This woman who has her own set of friends, her own social circles, her own problems, her own beliefs... and I could've easily just let her existence slip right by without even noticing.

Maybe it's time, as christians, that we truly get our eyes off ourselves, that we stop caring about our movies and go out and make other peoples' better.

Psalm 34:7

Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart
Psalm 34:7


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So... if I delight myself in the Lord, truly delight myself in all that he is, and my heart desires a Ferrari 599 GTO, then sometime in the near future a delivery truck better be stopping by my house, right? That's how that works, right?

This really seems like the reasoning that people use when they approach this verse. "If I delight in the Lord and I desire 'X', then I will receive 'X'. Now, obviously, this isn't the way it works; this became obvious to me when a shiny red Ferrari 599 GTO failed to show up on my doorstep at age 12. So if we know this isn't what the verse means, that we aren't really going to receive everything our heart desires, what does this verse mean?

That's what I was wondering the other day, when a different interpretation of the verse hit me.

The cause and effect nature of the verse is exactly how everyone thinks it is (if x then y) but people seem to mix up the last words, or at least the meaning of the last words. "He will give you what your heart desires" and "He will give you the desires of your heart" are two totally different ideas. The former would lead us to interpret that if we delight in the Lord, he will give us what we already desire (like my Ferrari). However,  the latter leads to a different conclusion entirely. God won't give us what our heart already desires, he will change those desires to reflect His character. Just like the verse says, He will give you the desires of your heart. He won't grant the wishes that your selfish, fallen heart wants; instead, He gives you new desires. He gives you new desires that take the place of the old ones in your heart.

Throughout my life (short as it may be) I've noticed that whenever I truly am delighting in the Lord, it seems natural to follow His commandments; I want to please Him, I want to desire what He desires. I haven't noticed it, but it's the promise in Pslam 34 showing itself in my life. However, when I fall away from the Lord and am not delighting in Him, my selfish desires return.

Just thought it was kinda interesting that such a simple sentence could be taken out of context so easily.

Poetry

Spring is fun

Spring is neat

Spring makes me run around

in bare feet

Yeah Estelle, you're not the only one here who can write poetry. Look at that Modernist genius right there; man I'm the next William Carlos Williams right here.

Freedom

So today, Mr. Davis did a devotion that 're-defined freedom', and I thought it was awesome. So I admit, I'm biting a lot off it, but it's definitely worth being bit off. I'll try to add my own take in there too though.

Freedom is defined in the dictionary as "the power or right to act, speak, or think as one wants without hindrance or restraint". This is the commonly accepted definition of freedom that we see all over the place; it's the kind of freedom that people think makes them truly happy and fulfilled.

However, having the freedom to do, say, or think anything is really not freedom at all; instead, it is bondage.

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Pause - Keep in mind what I just said, we'll go back there.
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As a christian, we know we are promised freedom in Christ:


For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death
-Romans 8:2


It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.
-Galatians 5:1


Why is it then that Christ asks His followers to live as he did, to flee from sin and, in essence, live according to a more restricted set of 'rules' than the world? How is this freedom? I thought freedom was being able to do what I want to do whenever I want to do it.

Christianity gives you freedom because it limits your options to only ones that will be beneficial to you in the long run (eternity). Think about it, if you are presented with 10 options, 10 ways to react in a situation, 7 of which will ultimately lead to your destruction and 3 that will save you, the world says that you are more free if you have 10 options, even if some are bad options. However, Christ says you should eliminate the 7 that will lead to destruction, leaving you with only the 3 options that will save you. Is this not more freeing, having only 3 options that will all benefit you? You are more free when you only have the desire to choose the beneficial options.

If that isn't working for you, think about it this way: Is an adult more free than a baby? If we are sticking to the definition the world gives us, then no, a baby is far more free than an adult. For example, a baby can go to the bathroom whenever it wants. As an adult, would it make you more free if you relieved yourself whenever you felt it necessary? Wore a diaper just to make life simple? Most people I know would agree that this would not be a freeing choice, but simply increase your dependence upon the diaper. No, freedom is when you eliminate the option of relieving yourself in your pants and choose instead to only use a restroom.

If we live with our lives aligned to Christ, set our sights on His sights, desire what He desires, we experience a freedom infinitely more freeing than could ever be experienced simply by following the desires we have in this world.

Film Awesomeness *In no way related to the Academy Awards*

So, some of you may know that my latest short film Divergence was accepted to the National Film Festival for Talented Youth (NFFTY) in Seattle, WA. Am I ridiculously stoked about this? Yes indeed. Ridiculously. Stoked.

And I lied, this post is a tiny bit related to the Academy Awards. Not a single one of the winners thanked God. Not one. In one sense, I think this is kinda a good thing, cause if that's really not what's on their minds then I don't want them just going up and spurting words out all over the place. But anyway, if I won an Oscar, I'd thank God. Just throwing that out there. I want to win an Oscar, that'd be ridiculously awesome.

But back to NFFTY (not an oscar yet... baby steps, baby steps). I get to fly up to Seattle with Nicholas and Justin, (they made the movie with me) and hang out there for a couple days, go to the screening of my film and other films, have a question and answer about the film, meet industry people, and potentially win some awards. I don't expect to win anything but hey, we'll see what happens. Divergence isn't on youtube or anything yet, but as soon as the festival is over I'll upload it to youtube. In the meantime, watch other stuff at my youtube site.

Alright... I think that's all I have to say about Film Awesomeness for now. And I promise I won't use this blog for advertisement too often, haha, I was just too ridiculously excited about getting accepted to this festival and couldn't contain it. SO... I blogged.

FIN

The Earth in Crisis

It is 2105 and our planet is in a heap of trouble - literally. Wasteful generation after wasteful generation has deposited more and more trash on the face of our planet, so much so that we can no longer survive on our beloved planet. So, we create small robots that clear trash out of the way as we humans depart in giant cruise spaceships created by 'Buy n Large' and wait for the robots to clean up our mess.

Yes, I confess, I may have taken some of those ideas from the Pixar film Wall-E (another excellent film I must say). However, the problem that is (perhaps over-dramatically) portrayed in Wall-E is a very real problem that our generation may be facing in the near future if we continue living life as wastefully as we have been living for years now.

But wait, before I get off-topic, trash and pollution aren't the focus of the crisis I'm telling you about, they are merely the factors. Global Warming is the real issue at hand; trash and pollution are simply causes for this much more deadly and threatening effect. For years, research has been conducted trying to find ways to combat this horrible fate fast-approaching us; scientist after scientist has tossed out solutions such as driving hybrid cars (yeah right) or eliminating all styrofoam waste (sorry chinese takeout), but to no avail. However, recent scientific evidence has finally come to a conclusion on the main factor of global warming: The Sun.

Yes, the sun is indeed the main cause of global warming. So, the obvious solution: eliminate the sun. Now, I don't expect you to believe this just because an amazingly well-educated and intellectual person told you, so I will relay for you the results of the recent scientific study that was conducted. If you still doubt, you can repeat the procedure in the comfort of your own home with a very small list of supplies.

Supplies

• Heat Lamp (can be bought at pet-co)
• Styrofoam Model Earth, approximately 3" in diameter (if you still believe the scientists of older days, you can get an earth-friendly model made of recycled corn starch if you would like. Although, after conducting the experiment, you will probably regret expending the extra effort.)
• Assorted Hairsprays and pollutants
• Thermometer

Procedure

1. Set up your heat lamp so it is facing outward at a 90 degree angle to the table.
2. Place your model earth approximately 1 to 2 feet from the heating lamp.
3. Heavily coat the earth in hairspray and other pollutants (be generous here), then record the (external) temperature of your model earth.
4. Turn on heating lamp and let sit for 5 minutes. Record the temperature. You will notice that your styrofoam earth begins to heat up. This is normal, as heat will reach the model because of radiation, much like heat from the sun reaches earth.
5. Now attempt to wipe off most of the pollutants from the earth. This represents traditional attempts to clean up our earth and slow global warming. Let your model sit for 5 more minutes and record the temperature. You will notice that your styrofoam earth is still heating up, even though most (if not all) the pollutants are gone.
6. Turn off the heat lamp and let your model earth sit for 2 minutes. Record the temperature. You will now notice that in only 20% of the time spent heating up the earth, the temperature has already decreased.
7. Again, heavily coat the earth in hairspray and other pollutants (with the lamp still off) then record the temperature one final time. Even after placing more pollutants on the earth, you will still find that the temperature is dropping.

Therefore, the sun is the main cause of global warming. Our only sure-fire way to get this problem under control is to extinguish the sun. 

Be Thou My Vision

If I could choose one song that forever expressed what I want my heart to be forever crying out, this would be it. The words to this song are simply incredible, and I wish I could say that my heart is continuously singing them.

Be Thou my vision, O Lord of my heart

Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art

Thou my best thought by day or by night

Waking or sleeping Thy presence my light

Be thou my wisdom and Thou my true word

I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord

Thou my great Father, I , Thy true son

Thou in me dwelling and I with Thee one

Riches I heed not nor man's empty praise

Thou mine inheritance now and always

Thou and thou only first in my heart

High King of heaven my treasure Thou are

High King of heaven my victory won

May I reach heaven's joys, O bright heaven's Sun

Heart of my own heart whatever befall

Still be my vision O Ruler of all

I started off this post originally by pausing and attempting to rephrase what the hymn was saying between verses, but I shortly realized that the words really speak for themselves. But I will note a few of the things that make this my favorite hymn.

The lines “riches I heed not nor man’s empty praise/Thou mine inheritance now and always” really strikes a chord to me. Not only am I singing that I don’t seek the praise of man, I’m saying that the praise of man is empty, worthless. The greatest praise I can receive from man is nothing compared to the inheritance I receive in the Lord.

Also the lines “Heart of my own heart whatever befall/Still be my vision O Ruler of all” really wrap up the entire song. Of course we can sing about how God is our father, our best thought day and night. Of course we can proclaim that he is first in our hearts when things are going well. But this is countered in just two words: “whatever befall”. Whatever happens, God, you will still be my vision, O Ruler of all.

Christianese is weird stuff man

Christianese is honestly one of the strangest things about being a christian to me; the way we can communicate amongst other christians in imagery and language that would make absolutely zero sense to an 'outsider' is completely bizzare.

Now, before I go on saying how weird it is, I have to say I'm guilty of speaking in it. Probably fairly often. But that still doesn't make it any less weird.

So, on the way home from seeing Avatar in IMAX 3D (I could write an entirely new and lengthy post on how incredible this movie is, but I won't) my dad used the phrase "if the Lord should tarry." Now, as a christian, this didn't sound too weird and most christians would probably agree with me. But as an American, it sounds like a foreign language. Honestly, "if the Lord should tarry?" What on earth does that even mean? We never use the word 'tarry'.

"Hey, if Bill should tarry we may not be able to start the meeting on time..."

Never... never in the history of the American businessman has this phrase been uttered inside an office. And, if it had been, it would never have been followed by:

"Hmm, this is true. Let's hope for a hedge of protection around his vehicle with the traffic and all..."

Christians (we) are weird. Hedges don't keep anything out of anything, they provide zero protection. Perhaps if you're an ant you might have some protection from a hedge, but that's about it. Tim Hawkins already bashed hedges to death though, so I won't talk about them long.

Anyway, if anyone has any other interesting Christianese lingo they'd like to post as a comment, I want to hear it!

American Dream and Christianity

So, this is edited some… but originally based off a CWP (creative writing portfolio) I wrote for Holtzclaw’s class. It may seem like a boring, analytical paper in the beginning, but it actually does get interesting (in my opinion at least)

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A recent 4^th of July I was visiting a church, listening to a sermon explaining how life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness coincided with God’s will for his followers. I sat there, curious and perplexed; all my childhood years in Sunday school I heard about the things that Jesus taught. I remembered that He said things like “no greater love has any man than this, that he lay down his life for a friend,” or “whoever desires to be great among you shall be your servant.” He also said, “blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.” Sitting in the pew, hearing that we could follow Jesus while also pursuing the riches and happiness of this world, I began to wonder in what other ways the American culture had colored or even misinterpreted the very things I claimed to believe.

Before we analyze the American Dream as it exists in society today, let’s take a short hiatus back in time a few thousand years to the establishment of Israel. I like to think of this as God’s Dream or at least His one chance to set up a social system that might succeed in the midst of a fallen world. According to Levitical Law, land was divided up by tribe, each tribe having its own territory and each family owning land within this territory. For forty-nine years the Israelites were able to work the land, sell the land, hire labor to work the land, trade land, barter, invest, essentially function as a capitalist nation. However, on the fiftieth year, known as the year of Jubilee, all land would revert to its original owner and slaves would be freed, making a new start and eliminating all debts. This system, ordained by God, balanced our human built-in desire to improve our conditions with a system that prevented the perpetuation of poverty.

The thoughts that began while sitting in the pew that fateful 4^th of July morning, have taken root and grown during this school year. As I try to connect the dots between Jesus’ teachings, Old Testament government, and the American Dream… I’m finding there aren’t many. Is it possible that the American Dream is actually in conflict with the teachings of the Bible?

Of course, the American Dream can’t be traced back to a particular event or person. In fact, it wasn’t until literary critics were floundering around looking for a phrase to sum up all the modernist gibberish going on that the term “American Dream” was even coined. In essence, the American Dream is a collaboration of immigrant rags-to-riches stories.

The American Dream appealed to the Europeans originally immigrating to the New World because of the opportunity it gave them to improve their condition and escape the social caste system they previously experienced in Europe. Uneducated farmers could come to the U.S. and launch business enterprises; poor bakers could become involved with politics; servants could rise up and become CEO’s in charge of small empires. Possibilities for those with an appetite to better themselves were endless.

Because many immigrants were also seeking religious freedom (along with aforementioned economic opportunity), all these elements of the American Dream seem to have acculturated with religion and become what is now accepted as Christianity in America today. The same melting pot where ethnic groups come together to form a society is also a country in which cultural ideologies come together with religious principles to form what we now accept as Christianity; pulling them apart is a little like separating metals in an alloy, a rather unwieldy task. However, I’m going to give it a try.

The American Dream encourages all who are involved to step on whomever they need to step on, to sacrifice whatever they need to sacrifice, and go to any and all lengths necessary in order to achieve a sense of accomplishment and security. Now, I don’t claim to be a biblical scholar, but it seems to me that this “dream” that every American is, at some level or another, striving to achieve conflicts on every level with the teachings of Jesus.

First, the American Dream encourages man to redefine his image. If you earn enough money, drive a better car, own a bigger house, then people will see that you are really worth something, according to this ideology; this ideology, however, is anything but biblical. Jesus himself says that one’s worth should not be defined by his accomplishments or by the things of this world, but in the image of Christ the Lord.

Second, the American Dream places a huge amount of emphasis on the accumulation of wealth: both in literature and real life. In Arthur Miller’s Death of a Salesman, the main character, Willy Loman, is driven by wealth and greed that eventually lead to his death. Jay Gatsby, driven by his desire for the status that comes with wealth and prosperity, eventually meets his demise after reaching the height of his prosperity. Both of these characters, along with hundreds of other characters throughout American literature, are united by their quest for attaining money. However, in the Bible, Jesus says “Go your way, sell whatever you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, take up the cross, and follow Me.” In no way does Jesus advocate a quest to attain riches in this world, “where moth and rust destroy, where thieves break in and steal.” Instead, He says to “store up for yourselves riches in heaven.”

The American Dream also promotes selfishness, a society where you fight to get yours, and once you have it you won’t give it up because you earned it with your hard work. Psalm 119:36 says, “turn my heart toward your statuses and not toward selfish gain.” Philippians 2:3 says, “do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves.” It is littered throughout the Bible that selfishness and greed will only lead you to eternal damnation. Jesus teaches that, instead, we should be selfless and generous with our possessions, giving to the poor and helping those who are less fortunate than us.

The modern church seems to have integrated seamlessly within the American Dream, balancing a mindset of progression and comfort with a mission of following Jesus’ example and truly living out the label “little-christs”. I imagine if Jesus, a homeless man living with the poorest of the poor and sickest of the sick, a man who constantly laid down his own needs to fulfill the needs of others, a man who told others to follow in his ways, to give to the poor, and to follow him… if this man showed up in a Christian church today, I imagine he would be considered an outcast. He would be mocked for living out the example the modern church now claims to follow. Perhaps it’s time that Christians really take a step back and try to uncover where the lines of culture have permeated the lines of religion, try to resuscitate the true meaning of being a Christian. Maybe it’s time to choose what we’re living for: the American Dream, or God’s dream for us to live in his glory forever through His son Jesus Christ.

Cool Quote

“If we think of God’s grace as a technicality, a theological precept, we can disobey without the slightest feeling of guilt, but if we think of God’s grace as a relational invitation, an outreach of love, we are pretty much jerks for belittling the gesture”

—	Donald Miller, Searching for God Knows What

Past Thoughts of an Aaron

So in the past, whenever I wanted to “blog” about something I would post it as a note on facebook. But now, since there is a place actually devoted to posting stuff like that, I’ll just copy over the one post I actually kinda wanna keep from that “blog”

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In general terms, if you want to do well at something, if you want to succeed, you focus on your goal before you actually go out and attempt it. If you want to do well on a test, you study for it; If you want to do well performing a song, you practice that song; if you want to get good at a sport you practice that sport; etc. It applies to everything, so why shouldn’t it apply to our relationship with God.

If you want your relationship with God to be good, then you should work on your relationship with God.

How can an idea so simple be so difficult to follow through with. I find myself analyzing my relationship with God, notice it’s not doing too well, say to myself “yeah, i really should do something about it” and repeat that same cycle everyday for “x” amount of days. With anything else in life, I see a problem and I do something about it that moment to solve the problem. Why can’t I apply that to my spiritual life more often? If I see in the mirror that my hair is messy, I fix it. I don’t say to myself “yeah, I really should do something about it” and leave, until finally a few days later I fix the messed up hair. No, that’s ridiculous. Why don’t I think it’s ridiculous in my walk with God?

I’m also discovering there is a correlation between (to put it bluntly) the way I am able to lead others (and myself) in worship and how much time, thought, and prayer I put into making a worship set. Again, seems like a no brainer right? But no, of course I have to learn it by experience.

If I think at any moment that I can worship God without God allowing me to or helping me to, I am a complete idiot. I, an insignificant human created by God, think I have the right and authority to be able to even communicate with God at all? Think I know better than God does what songs will be good for the night, or what the order of things should be? Think that I have any authority to be doing anything related to the One who created the entire universe at all? Think that I even have a right to exist on this planet, to take my next breath, or to wake up in the morning? And yet, I still try to take control in these areas. And it not only affects me in a negative way, but I definitely can’t be leading others in worship if my heart isn’t in the right place, so it’s affecting others as well. As I’m typing this I’m seeing how obvious all this should be (and is), and yet it’s still something that I’m learning.

“Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding” (Prov. 3:5)

Such a simple command. I’m learning to trust the Lord with ALL my heart, and believe that the Lord’s understanding is far greater than any knowledge or input that I have to offer.

Introduction to Blogging

To whom it may concern:


I don’t know whether I’m creating this more for myself or for the countless (4 or 5) people who have told me I should make a blog.


It almost seems prideful in a way to assume that everyone should be interested in reading all the random thoughts, events, pictures, quotes and whatever else I end up posting, to assume that I have something more important to say than the countless other millions of blogs out there. It also kinda feels like I’m just joining a trend, and it makes me wonder how unique you can really be in a world where every third person has a blog.


But all that aside, I have a blog. I don’t claim to have many profound or incredible things to post on it, but hopefully it’s at least mildly entertaining to anyone who wants to stop by.


>me